Odds and endsPosted by DJ Mon, March 01, 2010 13:33:14
Imagine yourself picked a track and have come to a long way until you realized that you picked the wrong one. What would you do? If go back it might be an awfully long walk again and you don't know the other road is the right one either. Will you continue the walk to just see where you might end up at?
For me, I will go back. All I need is enough determination to tell myself, yes, you can do this. I am waiting for that voice in my chest, and I hope it will come fast and strong so the pain will be shorter.
Odds and endsPosted by DJ Tue, February 16, 2010 18:20:58
Oh I am so tired of trying and trying to tell how bad I feel inside, words have lost all their meanings in this sense, I just wanted to explain myself in the absolute violence and force. I wanted to hurt myself so badly, I wanted to stick my fingers into my brains and just stir it up. And that is not the case. I don't know what to do. Gosh, I seriously hate being like this, miserable human being, suffering every emotion, and seeing no solution to anything.
I wish I had any courage, so I can put a knife in my chest, or a bottle of pills in my stomach. Tuotuo said he would stay home tomorrow. Yah, like that would help. He could stay home for one day, but can he stay home as long as I am becoming better again?
I am just sooooo exhausted of waiting and hoping that baby will be better, sleep better at night, shout less during day time. The truth is, I don't even have a fucking second to sit down and rest. I am really really sorry about my language. You see, I never use cursing words like this before, and in this case I don't have any other proper words that can really show the storms in my chest.
Such pain and such pain.......Gosh, somebody, please, help me end this nightmare.
Odds and endsPosted by DJ Tue, February 09, 2010 09:26:18
Postpartum, for some people, most people, it may be just a word. For me, it is a nightmare to fight through every day. I don't really like making my blog so gloomy to read. I don't want to be the kind of person that I hate, suck up other people's energy. That is also one main reason that I don't want to talk to other people about my problem.
The thing is, who could I talk to? My friends don't understand it, because most of them are not even married. They actually come to me and ask questions like "Does condom really protect only 97% of the chances?". I mean, hello, I am married, that doesn't make me a sex expert or consultant. I cannot talk to my parents, hell no, they already mock me every time they see me, about having no job, no money. (Even though they don't know whether it is true or not.) I guess they just enjoy hearing themselves mocking me for being useless. All my life I hear such talk. I remember once I decided to compete in national English speech contest. My dad was mocking me that I will not even make the first round. If I do, he would spend his whole month's salary to buy me a dress to wear to the final competition. Truth is, I not only had made through the first round, I also made to the provincial final and I won the whole competition. My dad knows he is wrong, he never said anything about my success and I never got any dress as promised.
I know I have confidence, I know I have capabilities, but my parents just don't want to accept that, they just want to beat me down, pour ice cold water over my head. Using their words, they are making me humble. That didn't make me humble, just made me strong. Because every time they hurt my feelings, I have to drag me out of the misery and convince myself, I am nothing as they said, but I am strong and smart and happy.
Well, right now, I am very unhappy. Last month when I talked to my parents on camera, I was in a very bad shape, still, I dragged out of tiny smile from no where and tried to collect myself for the video chat. My dad was saying, you are useless, you don't know how to take care of the baby, blabla, even though Niu Niu was smiling brightly on camera, and he was the one couldn't even wipe Niu Niu's ass clean once when Niu Niu poo pooed when we were visiting. Ok, so I lost it, I felt such a bitterness that was suppressed for years, just stormed out, I burst into tears. The thing is, I always made a huge effort so I could be confident and strong when I confront my parents. I have never cried in front of them for things like this before. My dad couldn't face me any more, so he went away. My mom was just so angry and sad for me. She was also mad at herself, for that she couldn't do anything to help her only daughter and having to see how unhappy she is.
I don't want to make it sound dramatic, but I hate when people say "I understand" to me, for that they don't even get one percent of what I am going through right now. For two years, I am stuck at this place, 40 square meter, to myself, no friends, no leisure activities, no nothing. My hubby, he grows too comfortable with me and just don't care charming me any more. I don't remember when was the last time he aet at a table as a civilized human being, he trashes down every corner in the tiny apartment, drinks a lot of coke and gained many kilos, he plays computer games whenever he has a chance, even when he was holding the baby....... Sometimes he cares about me, but not really in a flattered way. I don't need you to bring home some free electronics and veggies to show that you care about me. I want a man who can treat me as a woman, a equal being that he adores, not some psycho guy roommate who eat pizzas with dirty fingers and never shower. I am SO sick of everything.
And I am sorry, whoever you are, have to read through this. I don't know what happened to me. I was always this joyful happy girl, you can ask all my friends about this. And now, I am just this woman who is killing every minute in this bitter misery. Everyday I have to fight a mental breakdown. Do you really think I want this? No I don't, and I don't like hearing people calling me crazy, especially from my own husband.
Oh gosh, I have to face this again. Why did I end up with this guy? He trapped me in this tiny world without any humanly connection. Whenever I ask him information about joining a program, going to some places, the answers he gave me always make me want to give up that idea. Is he that scared of me leaving him? Maybe I should! Why should I make my life decisions revolving him when he wants to hold my string. I wanna be a kite without any strings!
Odds and endsPosted by DJ Tue, January 26, 2010 04:51:35
I don't know why when I typed down this title, I already burst into tears. And I don't know since when I became so weak mentally. It doesn't feel good. I write that I want to sleep because I am writing this line at 4 am, I am extremely tired, but I couldn't sleep. Niu Niu shouted many times during the night, and Tuotuo was snoring like a thunder storm next to me. Oh, the good old days when I can sleep without worries....
Yesterday when I was chatting with my mom I completely lost it, months and months of suppression, depression, all came out in a few seconds, like a flood destroyed the dam. I didn't mean to show it to her, I never wanted to, because I didn't want to worry her. We were just having a cheerful chat about Niu Niu, and I turned the camera to Niu Niu so she won't see my face. But I don't know what happened, my dad was saying something, and I was really upset, so I started raising my voice, then I just started crying. My mom took over the conversation, you know how moms are, they are the only ones who can really feel your pain, but the more mom tried to comfort me, the more bitter and sad I became.
I don't know what happened to my life, it's like dragging thousands of kilos in your wagon, your shoulder is cracking down, and you are still trying to drag it............................Oh gosh, I am afraid to write any more, I am afraid to let my real emotions come out, I know I will write so many depressing and shocking things that even myself feel scared to face.
Oh I wish I have a aladdin lamp! Life needs magic sometimes.
Odds and endsPosted by DJ Thu, January 21, 2010 09:31:17
It is funny how some people can affect my mood. They are just waiting in the bushes, when the moment comes, they attack, hunt you and get the very last piece of you. Ooops, I went too far, this is too dramatic.
Nah, I was just amazed how much I was negatively affected by some people that I haven't come in contact with for ages. I am definitely not an expert in making friends. It happens to me all the time that when I just get to know someone, and I was just being nice and friendly, then they get the wrong message, and grow really attached to me. I normally get really uncomfortable when someone get too close to me without knowing me that much. So, I will try to cut the connection with these people. It sounds crazy, but that is me. I am not like those facebook guys who have hundreds of friends in their list. For me, a couple of friends are enough. Friends are not for decorations, not for saying "hi"s, but someone to count on, and lend hand to.
Ok ok, enough is enough. Today my closest cousin is getting married, so I shouldn't talk too much negative things. What goes around comes around. Let's be cheerful and happy!
Odds and endsPosted by DJ Wed, January 20, 2010 18:07:46
At certain points of my life, I started questing my choices again. I just don't remember how I got where I am today. If you ask me whether I am happy or not, I can't really give you a straight answer.
Today I was talking to Tuotuo about him not taking good care of me after I gave birth to Niuniu, and he got upset and walked away on me. He has absolutely no right to be upset with me, because I am the one who had undertaken a lot of pain and sacrifice to nurse the baby, and him at the same time. While I was so sick in bed, he was playing his damned WOW day and night, and treated me like his trashy male roommate, offering me two meals or sometimes one meal a day, and most time frozen ready made food. I am not saying that he didn't offer any help at all, he only offered when I asked. Then the meaning is totally different. It is no longer the gesture of offering any more. And every time I begged for help, he would make signs that he is suffering so much doing anything for me, or he would do every little tiny thing in front of you so you would appreciate it.
To be honest, I am a bit tired for doing everything. This week I, on purpose, didn't do any dishes, and we ran out of clean spoons, forks, Tuotuo, hmmmm, I thought he would clean one or two for his own needs, but no, he started using coffee spoons and desert forks for his food. I am so speechless. These two years, he probably has cooked maximum 10 times, and cleaned the house 5 times, and these times he did it only because I shouted at him. Gosh, I am actually living with a pig! I know he is the cash maker, and he has the right to sit his ass at anywhere, doing anything he wants, but at the same time I am not the kind of woman who is unable to support myself, I don't really need his financial support to live a good life. And I cannot tolerate the fact that he is changing me to his nanny.
What else to say, I really need to get out of this, I have made enough changes of myself, and if he is not willing to do the same, and I see no reason to maintain this relationship.
Seriously speaking, when I think about all the stuff I gave up for him, I am really upset myself now. I haven't enjoyed dating as any young girl would do, and I haven't enjoying myself as a passionate young woman, having fun, and now I ended up cleaning house and nursing baby 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. What for?!!
Odds and endsPosted by DJ Sun, January 10, 2010 09:07:09
I am applying again, for a master from Stockholm University. It is shameful to say, but I have been trying for 2 years, and I failed heavily. The first time it was because of my lack of experience that I didn't rank the selected majors carefully, so I missed the one I wanted to study. That was pure stupidity. The second time, hmmm, I don't remember what happened exactly. I was pregnant, and didn't cared. So there you go again, rejection, don't meet entry requirements, bla bla.
The thing is, I KNOW I meet the entry requirements, and I have sent the complete set of documents 2 years ago, don't know why I was never registered in the Studera.nu about my previous studies. I tried to contact them ten thousand times and these paid workers never gave me any helpful answers. Some say I am sorry you are not eligible to study, but come on! I have been studying for almost 120 points during these past 2 years, even while being pregnant and being a mother of a newly born! Some others said that I don't see my qualification files because I am logged in to the English site, that is bullshit again, I have a Swedish ID number, and I WAS on the Swedish site. Oh, the Swedish style of ignorance.
Well, you know what, I am gonna send in my files in again, even though they said I shouldn't. Gotta try for what I want, otherwise I never get a chance. It is never wrong to give another shot. So, we shall see.
Odds and endsPosted by DJ Wed, September 30, 2009 22:48:42
Today is a bit like the stock market curves, ups and downs, where to begin? Oh well, I don't remember the causes of the downs any more. There is no specific reason why I was upset, but too many small matters that brought my mood down.
How to say, I was surpressing my feelings too much these days and it finally run to the limit. For the first time I felt so alone and so left out from everything I used to have. I don't think you would ever understand how it feels unless you are put in my shoes.
For being in such a cold, isolated Scandinavian country, having no friend, no family, for almost 2 years. Everyday, my basic activities are marching from bedroom to living room, from living room to kitchen. I was joking with Tuotuo today that even the prisoners have better treatment than I do, because they get meals delivered to their door, they have a steady schedule about when to go out for fresh air. They can meet up with other criminals and socialize in their own ways. For me, no, nothing. When tuotuo is gone to work during the day time, I basically don't speak, or speak to myself. If anyone sees me without letting me know, I am pretty sure they would assume I am insane.
Good thing is that I have a little toddler to play with now. But to the other hand, stucking with a baby 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, non stop, is more demanding than you could imagine. Not mention that I am doing a full time study at the same time. Sometimes I had to hold the little girly in my arms while taking an online course. The worst is when she is SO fussy, shouting like crazy, and refuses to sit on her own. Even under this kind of circumstances, I have to listen to the lectures and answer questions when I am asked to.
I am not saying how great I am. Today I told Tuotuo that I wasn't as active as before in Kanji class. Tuotuo said the teacher should understand that I have a special reason. And I wasn't so pleased to hear that. Because I don't think the teacher should give me an easy way out just because I have a baby to nurse, and I never ever told the teacher so, for the same reason, I DON'T want to be treated differently.
Maybe I am weird. But this is how I reason.
But my studies have nothing to do with my bad mood though. I have been having bad mood ever since I gave birth to the baby. My bad mood obviously affected Tuotuo tremendously since he is getting back to me with things I say and do. I know it's not healthy to keep things inside too much. But at the same time, I can't really talk to anybody for my problems. Most of my close friends are not married, not mention about having kids, all they wanna talk to me is about having affection to some boys, and about their dramatic Korean soup opera type of love. And my parent, oh hell, I don't even wanna begin with them. After I was pregnant, my dad didn't say a single word about the pregnancy for 10 months. And during these 10 months, he said so many mean things to me that broke my heart. I probably cried at least 1 kilo of water because of him. Not only that, he talked to me the first time about the baby 2 months after I gave birth. The first comment he made was: "It was not the right time to have a baby...." I remember there was such a long pause after he said this. Because I basically didn't know how to respond. I mean, come on, man! I was holding a lovely girly on my lap, and he said this to me and the innoncent girly's face?! I just couldn't understand it.
The most depression I have is from lack of interraction with people and lack of activities that I could get away sometimes. There were two times we planned to go somewhere, and Tuotuo blew both because of his work issues. BUT, I have to say, I don't blame him at all whatsoever. Because that hell job and those irritating workmates of his just can't stop buzzing his ass. You won't believe this, but the guy who shares the same responsibility with him just took 3 weeks off, and Tuotuo, when I gave birth, only took 2 weeks off. He is also the one to blame when Tuotuo had to cancel my birthday plans. Because just the night before my birthday that guy called in and said he was not going to work and he sent some other guy in to do stuff so Tuotuo HAD TO drop in to explain things. That was PURE evil.
Life is hard, by all means. But I am working hard on it, and I KNOW that I WILL survive this. I will keep telling myself to remain strong and carry on, longer and longer. Now that I have a baby, so I have to fight harder. There is no such thing as sweet-bread-rain, you gotta fight for it!
Odds and endsPosted by DJ Tue, September 22, 2009 13:35:30
There is a growing pain in my body, especially in my back and arm. Had I known it is so demanding physically to nurse a baby, I would have trained myself in a gym before I got pregnant. Today for example, I carried the 7-kilo girly in my arm while I was having an online class for more than 1 hour, without changing position. When the class was finally over, my arm was literally broken. This is tough work. No joking.
Well, the physical pain is still tolerable, the mental disturbance, however, can not be tolerated. I seems to have bad luck with acquaintances, always got hooked up with “负气场”
people. This is a Japanese phrase I learned from another blogger, quite similar to the meaning of "energy vampires". Well, I don't want to write too much on this matter since I don't want to offend nobody. Glad thing is, I get this blog to go to when I feel the need to nag about my own problems.
Haahaa. My sincere apologies, readers!
Odds and endsPosted by DJ Tue, September 01, 2009 19:25:12
Today started pretty well. I had a lesson that started at 10 am, and no babysitter for Niu Niu. That means she had to sit with me for almost 2 hours. It is a big challenge for both of us. Luckily she was so well behaved. She sat in her little chair and played with herself for almost 1 hour. Then the little princess started protesting. But it was just a short cry. I fed her while having the lesson and she fell asleep soundly in my arms.
But it was a very stressful day for me afterwards. Niu Niu didn't want to sleep at all and my arms were just too sour to bare more of her weight. But I will never blame Niu Niu for anything bad of course. Everytime I lay my eyes on her I just can't help smiling and I forget all the pain I have.
What I am really upset is that I was promised for something and it is not happening any more, yet again. This is I don't remember how many times when I was let down. I just felt so trapped. I have been in Sweden for almost 2 years now and the farthest place I have been to is Stockholm University. And if you let me off at Centralen I will probably get lost in a second. Yes, that is how ridiculous the situation is. I was such a traveller, I have climbed a 6000-meter high snow-capped mountain, I have slept in a train station when I ran out of money, I have done so many crazy things, met so many interesting people. Now I am trapped in this tiny apartment, ignorant country, for almost 2 years, without money, without job, without family or friends...Well, you get the picture.
Tuotuo once was the only reason that kept me going and staying, now Niu Niu is the only motivation I got left. I know it is depressing to say this, and I might wake up tomorrow laughing at myself for being so immature. Maybe so, but I am still gonna write this down because it is a status of my thoughts. I am just so tired of being kept in this box and so disappointed of certain things and certain people. I started to doubt whether I have wasted 2 best years of my life in this place. Yes, time to re-think.