Odds and endsPosted by DJ Thu, June 04, 2009 16:08:45
Gosh, I can't believe it's only 7 days to go now. It's until this point, when the baby gave me wild kicks, that I finally understand that I am gonna have a baby, very soon!
As crazy as it sounds, yes, I am gonna be a mom! I was always seen as a kid, and now I am going to have my own kid. I just hope I will bring up my BB the way my parents did to me. No spoiling, no candies, no praises...maybe it's harsh, but I stick to my belief. There is no done-deal plan yet, but as it comes along, I will explore together with Tuotuo how to raise a child and how to be a good parent.
The glad thing is, I finally finished my spring courses, with three VGs! This is the best result I had so far in Sweden, I mean it's not that I don't get VG at all, but not 3 in a roll! Haahaa, especially I was experiencing a lot of physical inconvinience most of the time. And I didn't miss a single class!
Well well, enough bragging. The BB is getting ready in my belly, I hope the delivery won't be as tough as most people said, and I hope it won't be delayed too much. I really can't wait to see how this little thing look like!
Odds and endsPosted by DJ Mon, May 25, 2009 22:56:23
I remember when I was little, whenever my parents started the "how much we've done for you" talk, I always got really irritated and intentionly tried to ignore them. Being an 80s-generation is very tough in China. There is such a tremendous gap between us and our parents. Maybe you will say that all the children and parents share this gap. Well, maybe so, but I still think for Chinese it's a bit special.
It's well known that China started its economic booming after 80s, so as children who were born during this era, we didn't experience the rough life the way our parents did. As a result, we don't appreciate things as our parents did. Moreover, once our parents try to lecture us so and so, we don't really understand them but accuse them for being "old school".
At least, for me the story went like this. The first time I started appreciating my parents was 3 months until my university entrance exam. In most Asian countries, high school students have to study like mad men to get into college. I wasn't a particular good student in high school, until this story happened. During my last year, my dad delivered lunch box to me everyday on his motor bike, but one day he didn't show up. Some acquaintance of his asked his kid to give me some pocket money to buy food myself the day after. I didn't think about it too much at first, but after a week my dad still didn't show up. Later on I heard from some kids, who heard from their parents who also deliver lunch boxes that my dad had an accident on his way to see me. I was so shocked, because for so long they didn't say a word about the accident. And my dad, in order to not let me worry, he would hide away for the wounds to recover.
I was so ashamed of myself when I learned about this fact. My dad was probably very harsh on me all the time, but I never stood from his point of view to understand his intention. He wanted me to be outstanding, wanted me to get into a good school, but I always failed him. It was only 3 months to go, I finally pulled myself up together and started reviewing all the books from the 1st grade in high school. I don't remember how I did, but I was the 5th of the class when we had our final scores reported. (There were about 100 people in my class.)
Ever since that, my relationship with my parents magically changed too. I always have a lot to talk to them, and they always want to tell me about their life too. As the old Chinese saying goes: Push down the wall, then it becomes a bridge. It is true.
Soon I will be a mother too, I have been going through a lot of physical pains and mental struggles while expecting this baby. I will love this baby the way my parents loved me, maybe at the start he or she won't understand this love, but I know as he or she grows, s/he will get to where I reached.
Odds and endsPosted by DJ Thu, April 16, 2009 11:16:22
During the past few months, I often thought about a friend, whom I have long lost contact with. He was in my QQ list before, somehow for some reasons he blocked me and deleted me. Because I don't remember doing this, and he just disappeared from my list. I tried to add him again, many times, and the application was never proven. Well well, I thought it must be that his account was stolen. So I let it go.
Recently a girlfriend of mine gave me his MSN. The weird thing is, the three of us have very dramatic relationship you may say. When we were still in high school, he was my deskmate, and we shared a lot of interests, even wrote a mini novel together, but he sincerely admired my girlfriend. Unfortunately, my girlfriend was way too wild for him, her dating around deeply hurt him. From that point, he decided to block her from his own world. After we went to college, we continued writting to each other, as we used to do in high school, and he found that I am the one who can actually talk to him and understand him. Therefore we decided to be together, despite the fact that we were thousands of kilo meters apart.
That Spring Festival, we both traveled back to our home town, meeting each other the first time after we set off for college. It was such an awkard meeting, and nothing felt as we pictured in mind. We left each other in an embarrassing hurry and never met again.
Even until today, I couldn't explain what exactly went wrong. But I am glad it didn't work out, otherwise I won't end up with Tuotuo today. However, I still wish I could stay as his friend, no matter what, we have known each other for so many years.
So, I took the MSN my girlfriend gave me and added him. I even sent him a message when I saw him online. Yeah, he IS online, but there is no reply. He has his reasons, I guess. I remember he was never an easygoing person, very sensitive, have to be dealt with extreme care, if anything goes wrong, then he will go like a irritated baby... My girlfriend told me that he is soon getting married, I really feel happy for him, finally found someone who can share life with, and maybe she could help him to open up a bit too. And, I also hope he could let the past go somehow. Nevertheless, we were too young back then.
Odds and endsPosted by DJ Tue, March 10, 2009 17:12:14
I have changed tremendously much since I came to Sweden, in tastes, preferences. For example, I didn't like snow before, but now I just adore it! Today's snow was quite gentle, it fell slowly down like little white cotton flowers, because it snowed the whole day, so at around 5 there was already almost a 20-cm layer covering the ground like the warm warm blanket my grandma ususally make at the season harvesting cotton.
Anyway, I went out to dump garbage and shop milk, on my way out of the shop I was stopped by a young lady. She handed over some pills, I was shy to refuse people, so I just took one and was thinking to leave. Just when I gave her a friendly goodbye smile, she handed over a cup of water, probably meaning I should drink the pill. Then I got really embarrassed. Afterall, I still have to refuse her since I don't think it's good to take any sort of pills handed by stranger while being pregnant.
Well, well, no matter how much I hated refusing people. I still have to learn how to do it. It's a high art, people handle this tool well live more happily I guess. Otherwise just like me, getting myself into embarrassing moments like this.
Odds and endsPosted by DJ Thu, February 19, 2009 11:01:52
The baby started kicking. Finally. For a long time I didn't know what that was, and assumed it was my gas. I eat a lot of spicy food, so it's not abnormal if I might have stomach disfunction now and then. Well, the other night I huged Tuotuo from behind to seek some comfort that calm me and make me sleep. The next morning he told me that he felt baby kicking, two strong kicks in a row.
Both of us were very excited to discover and confirm this. In the following days I paid special attention whenever the little thing in my tummy moves. It seems a very active baby, sometimes when I wake up in the morning and Tuotuo kisses me goodbye before goes to work, s/he will kick non-stop. I have a feeling that s/he knows what is going on. A smart kid!
To be honest, I haven't dedicated myself in getting ready to be a mom all this time. Everything seems so unreal and also out of my lead. The prior reason why I came to Sweden at the first place was to get some education, then we will move back to China and start a new life again. That means the baby will kind of change our plan, I might have to stay here a bit longer since the early childhood education is better than in China, also the environment is much more healthier. At this point, I understand all those phrases praising motherly love. Yah, to be a parent, a responsible one, you have to learn to make sacrifices.
My tummy is getting a little bit bigger, I just hope the baby is doing well in there. And I will do my part, to continue study and at the same time prepare myself for the upcoming little being. :)
Odds and endsPosted by DJ Wed, February 11, 2009 23:00:50
Tonight I was chatting with Tuotuo about my old days in Beijing. He suddenly said it might be fun to see how the job market is after the economy crisis. I then thought about checking the website I used to use for looking for jobs. It was quite a nice website at the beginning, a lot of international organizations posing professional job positions. Well, I was truely disappointed how it went down to toilet after these 2 years.
Most job ads are either job agencies hunting for native English speakers to work as kindergarden teachers or whore-like Chinese girls looking for a job as Chinese tutor. It was not like this before! I might sound a bit too prejudiced, but seriously, people have lost a lot of shame these days! And here is an ordinary ad they had which can prove my points.
Ok, let's say, if you are an employer looking for a secretery or assistant, you probably would like to have someone who has administrative qualifications who can help you out under office operation. Right? And why on earth would you put an emphasis on the age limit and good looking condition in front of any other professional descriptions?? I don't get it!
Honestly speaking, even though I am a Chinese, I am truely deeply ashamed of those prejudiced Chinese people who put age, appearance, weight...limits in their job ads. What a shallow mind!
"A job ad from a normal travel agency:
1) Extra-curricular model: We are looking for Females, 18-28 years old, with natural beauty and sex appeal, with height above 170, chest above 85 centimeters, waist below 60 centimeters, hips above 85 centimeters. She needs to be comfortable and have certain public relations abilities. She may receive treats from our distinguished guest member;
2) Traveling Public Relations: Females, 18-35 years old, generally good looking, with an open mind, is courteous, and service oriented. May accompany the club members to provide services. We welcome generally fashionable girls, the professional white-collar types, university students, girls with elegance and poise, and so on. We would like for these types to respond to a call for recruits;
3) Translators: Men or women with undergraduate course or above education, 18-35 years old, should be able to do both verbal and written translations; be able to do running translations independently; should have at least three years experience; should hold the highest level certificate in their language specialty; English | Japanese | Korean | Russian | French | German | West sacrificial language | Dutch | Indian |Swedish | Indonesian | Portuguese | Italian | Spanish. Individuals with multiple languages will be considered outstanding talent.
4) Tour guide: Female, 20-35 years old, at least three years professional tour guide work experience; is familiar with Beijing and the surrounding scenic sites; must speak and read English at level 6 or better; must possess good work ethics; the professional tour guide credentials are required; Experiences in the following categories would be helpful: good food expert \ sightseeing expert \ the shopping expert \ rest and recreation expert.
5) Business secretary: Female, 20-30 years old, good looking, above three years business secretary experience required; experience as a personal assistant; knowledge of many kinds of office equipment and office software; must speak and read English at level 6 or higher; has certain commercial reception abilities and customer negotiations ability; can assist our members with many business task and duties.
6) Specialized Business secretary: ......
7) Leisure secretary: Female, 18-30 years old, good looking; eloquent, intelligent, and excels at human relations and courtesy; may be required to accompany members for leisure activities, such as dancing, singing, golf, tennis, ping-pong, badminton, polo, baseball, mountain climbing, swimming, or any type of rest and recreational activities. Strong skills at chess, Chinese chess, Chinese chess, or military chess first to hire;
8) Sexy dance show: Female, 18-30 years old; professional models and dancers that have performed sensuous dance, national character or style dance show abilities are desired. Performance ability must be splendid;
9) Driver: ......
10) Concurrent job ritual girl: Female, 18-25 years old, the height above 168, pretty, with at least ......
11) Club Inspector General: ......
12) Club Deputy General Manager: Men or women, 25-35 years old, good looking with human relations experience......
13) Commercial Public Relations: Female, 20-28 years old, at least three years public relations work experience, good looking, with superior eloquence and courtesy abilities, and is open minded......
14) Business event / Travel Planner: Men or women, active, good style......
15) Network Extension Workers......
Odds and endsPosted by DJ Sun, February 01, 2009 13:17:49
I had a mental break-down yesterday. The direct cause was stupid, not worth to mention, but it opened a gate of my recent suppressed depressions. This is something that I am unable to share with my old friends or parents. They will never understand what kind of situation I am in, all they'll see is probably living in Europe, being superior...Being superior? Jokking. It's just how I felt the way my old friends changed ever since I moved to Stockholm. They started to be really polite and distanced. I know it's good custom, but you only treat strangers with such bullshit manners. Some friends started "woowoow" expression whatever I said I was doing. You know, I have moved, but I have never changed. It's exactly like how I hate people treating me differently just because I am pregnant. I am still me, and I want my friends pushing me around, giving me stupid nicknames, mocking me just like before.
Well, what is done is done. Now I have lost them. All I can say is some festival wishes and a constant "how have you been". As for my parents, I don't know, my dad has been very harsh on me and said so many hurtful things that deeply insult me. Whatever I do, I have no plan, no determination, am messing up my life according to him. I don't know what more I can do to prove to him. In university, he once mocked me that if I ever got to the state's final English speech contest, he will buy me a suit worth of his one month's salary. He probably deeply believed that I will never make there. However, the fact is, I have done it twice and was sent to Beijing for the final competition. He never bought me the suit he promised. I didn't care either. Last year we had such a great relationship, I was never that close to my dad, now it seems all altering again.
Besides having no friends or family communication, I was also stumbled by my current condition. To be honest, there was a moment or two, that I felt my life is so empty. Tuotuo protested my idea, he said I am doing a lot of things, studying while carrying a baby...Yeah, but I miss the time when my whole day is booked, not a single minute to rest. I like that sort of fulfillment and excitement. While I was still in university, my record was to have 5 part-time jobs at the same time, and I still did great in study. Now it just happen to be that I have so much time wandering from one room to another, not knowing or motivated to do anything. It is pretty pathetic, isn't it?
However, I have to pull myself out of this mysery now. What I figured after yesterday's incident is that life is actually no different than the stock market chart. It rises high peak and then will surely go down, but when it reaches the lowest spot, it will certainly go up again. Right now is kind of my low spot, I look forward very much to seeing the rise again!
Odds and endsPosted by DJ Wed, January 28, 2009 20:25:07
Finally the days started to get slightly brighter. I think I had enough of those when the sun set already at 3 pm, or sometimes just no sun. It is still quite freezing outside since it snows now and then. The tricky part is, now the snow will turn to ice faster than last few months when the temperature hangs around minus 5. Last weekend for example, I couldn't walk a 100-metre without holding onto something. But I enjoyed walking with Tuotuo while it is so slipery. You know, then I can feel him holding me tight to him, it is great to feel protected.
Besides the weather, I have been feeling great lately. I was extremely motivated for my Japanese lessons, besides, I start to noticing my tummy getting bigger everyday. I hasn't felt any kicking yet, but definitely moving. Tuotuo's mom is very keen in knowing whether the baby kicked or not. But honestly, I felt this is classified information that I need to keep it to myself. Very different from other pregnant women, I don't like all that attention paid on me. I want to be able to still feel undercovered, relaxed... When people are checking me all the time or treat me differently I felt freaked out and lost.
Weird reaction, I know.
Last week wasn't such an interesting week, I had my high times and low times. The day before Spring Festival Eve, I had an arguement with my dad. He called me and Tuotuo low life barbarians and many other horrible things. This year is the first time I missed out Spring Festival celebration, so you may guess that I already felt extremely sad, and there were all those insults my dad layered on me. I know it's hard for him that he cannot brag around about her daughter working in Beijing and making loads of cash, especially at this time of year, the relatives are all coming, probably are very interested in such details. Well, maybe he missed me too. That's why he acted so weirdly. However, I cannot lie that I didn't feel hurt.
Dad told mom that I shouted at him, so mom was asking me why. I was kind of speechless. Honestly speaking, I had no idea that I have done that. I told my mom what happened. She was very angry about it and said that she has told my dad many times don't meddle with my private business or lecture me any more since I am a married woman for god's sake, bla bla bla...At this point, I am totally ashamed of what I did, I should have never let me come in between of my mom and dad. Well, in this field, I am a baby. Still learning.
Besides the low times, I had some great gifts from Tuotuo's mom, it's all for the baby, but I was very grateful for it while knowing she carried every piece home all my herself in a snowy day. I must be horrible for her to do all that especially she already had problems with her ankles.
Enough bla bla for today. Look forward to tomorrow's lessons.
Odds and endsPosted by DJ Sat, January 03, 2009 13:50:19
It snowed! Last time when it snowed was over one month ago, and it was a tremendous storm. I had so much fun fighting the storm with Thomas, though I could barely open my eyes or move since I was wrapped with so many layers of thick winter clothes. The snow was very thick already on the ground, so our shoes were kind of buried in once we put a step in. I honestly have never seen any heavy snow like that and was overwhelmingly excited.
The snow last night, however, was not such a big deal though. It is a fresh breezing for me too since I never noticed that I like snow this much. Maybe it's a new discovery in Sweden. I DO prefer snowy days here than in Beijing. Everything lay so calm in the white shimmering kingdom, and people like lighting little candles or lights by their window sights. It was just so beautiful when you look out.
Hopefully there will be more snow coming up.
Odds and endsPosted by DJ Thu, January 01, 2009 23:04:06
I remember last year at the time I was having the most miserable time of my life. But this year everything is just so great that I never wanted to move on. As the clock turned 00:00, we embraced and kissed each other by the window, and afterwards just held each other silently while looking out at all the fireworks from a distance. It was a magic moment that nothing much need to be said, we just felt two hearts fulfilled with happiness.
2009 is going to be a very special adventure for both of us. I still find it hard to believe that I am going to be a mom soon. However, I enjoyed lying in bed discussing with Thomas about baby training plans now and then. There are still so much none of us know, still a lot to learn. But it's funny to joke around about it. He adores this weird father role in a newly made TV series Fringe, Walter, who is a scientific genius and trained his son with many of his own experiments. So Thomas always gets this idea of training the baby with electric shots. Well, he doesn't mean it of course. Otherwise I will try it out first on him.
Anyhow, I really look forward to this year. I am going to study Japanese at a new University since Stockholm University currently doesn't offer this sort of online course. And I couldn't take class participation because of the pregnancy. So.. it's cool to check out new schools. And right after the first term I will have the baby with me already, after that I can check out the autumn course. Everything seems perfect. Let's just wait and see.