Today is a bit like the stock market curves, ups and downs, where to begin? Oh well, I don't remember the causes of the downs any more. There is no specific reason why I was upset, but too many small matters that brought my mood down.
How to say, I was surpressing my feelings too much these days and it finally run to the limit. For the first time I felt so alone and so left out from everything I used to have. I don't think you would ever understand how it feels unless you are put in my shoes.
For being in such a cold, isolated Scandinavian country, having no friend, no family, for almost 2 years. Everyday, my basic activities are marching from bedroom to living room, from living room to kitchen. I was joking with Tuotuo today that even the prisoners have better treatment than I do, because they get meals delivered to their door, they have a steady schedule about when to go out for fresh air. They can meet up with other criminals and socialize in their own ways. For me, no, nothing. When tuotuo is gone to work during the day time, I basically don't speak, or speak to myself. If anyone sees me without letting me know, I am pretty sure they would assume I am insane.
Good thing is that I have a little toddler to play with now. But to the other hand, stucking with a baby 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, non stop, is more demanding than you could imagine. Not mention that I am doing a full time study at the same time. Sometimes I had to hold the little girly in my arms while taking an online course. The worst is when she is SO fussy, shouting like crazy, and refuses to sit on her own. Even under this kind of circumstances, I have to listen to the lectures and answer questions when I am asked to.
I am not saying how great I am. Today I told Tuotuo that I wasn't as active as before in Kanji class. Tuotuo said the teacher should understand that I have a special reason. And I wasn't so pleased to hear that. Because I don't think the teacher should give me an easy way out just because I have a baby to nurse, and I never ever told the teacher so, for the same reason, I DON'T want to be treated differently.
Maybe I am weird. But this is how I reason.
But my studies have nothing to do with my bad mood though. I have been having bad mood ever since I gave birth to the baby. My bad mood obviously affected Tuotuo tremendously since he is getting back to me with things I say and do. I know it's not healthy to keep things inside too much. But at the same time, I can't really talk to anybody for my problems. Most of my close friends are not married, not mention about having kids, all they wanna talk to me is about having affection to some boys, and about their dramatic Korean soup opera type of love. And my parent, oh hell, I don't even wanna begin with them. After I was pregnant, my dad didn't say a single word about the pregnancy for 10 months. And during these 10 months, he said so many mean things to me that broke my heart. I probably cried at least 1 kilo of water because of him. Not only that, he talked to me the first time about the baby 2 months after I gave birth. The first comment he made was: "It was not the right time to have a baby...." I remember there was such a long pause after he said this. Because I basically didn't know how to respond. I mean, come on, man! I was holding a lovely girly on my lap, and he said this to me and the innoncent girly's face?! I just couldn't understand it.
The most depression I have is from lack of interraction with people and lack of activities that I could get away sometimes. There were two times we planned to go somewhere, and Tuotuo blew both because of his work issues. BUT, I have to say, I don't blame him at all whatsoever. Because that hell job and those irritating workmates of his just can't stop buzzing his ass. You won't believe this, but the guy who shares the same responsibility with him just took 3 weeks off, and Tuotuo, when I gave birth, only took 2 weeks off. He is also the one to blame when Tuotuo had to cancel my birthday plans. Because just the night before my birthday that guy called in and said he was not going to work and he sent some other guy in to do stuff so Tuotuo HAD TO drop in to explain things. That was PURE evil.
Life is hard, by all means. But I am working hard on it, and I KNOW that I WILL survive this. I will keep telling myself to remain strong and carry on, longer and longer. Now that I have a baby, so I have to fight harder. There is no such thing as sweet-bread-rain, you gotta fight for it!