Postpartum, for some people, most people, it may be just a word. For me, it is a nightmare to fight through every day. I don't really like making my blog so gloomy to read. I don't want to be the kind of person that I hate, suck up other people's energy. That is also one main reason that I don't want to talk to other people about my problem.
The thing is, who could I talk to? My friends don't understand it, because most of them are not even married. They actually come to me and ask questions like "Does condom really protect only 97% of the chances?". I mean, hello, I am married, that doesn't make me a sex expert or consultant. I cannot talk to my parents, hell no, they already mock me every time they see me, about having no job, no money. (Even though they don't know whether it is true or not.) I guess they just enjoy hearing themselves mocking me for being useless. All my life I hear such talk. I remember once I decided to compete in national English speech contest. My dad was mocking me that I will not even make the first round. If I do, he would spend his whole month's salary to buy me a dress to wear to the final competition. Truth is, I not only had made through the first round, I also made to the provincial final and I won the whole competition. My dad knows he is wrong, he never said anything about my success and I never got any dress as promised.
I know I have confidence, I know I have capabilities, but my parents just don't want to accept that, they just want to beat me down, pour ice cold water over my head. Using their words, they are making me humble. That didn't make me humble, just made me strong. Because every time they hurt my feelings, I have to drag me out of the misery and convince myself, I am nothing as they said, but I am strong and smart and happy.
Well, right now, I am very unhappy. Last month when I talked to my parents on camera, I was in a very bad shape, still, I dragged out of tiny smile from no where and tried to collect myself for the video chat. My dad was saying, you are useless, you don't know how to take care of the baby, blabla, even though Niu Niu was smiling brightly on camera, and he was the one couldn't even wipe Niu Niu's ass clean once when Niu Niu poo pooed when we were visiting. Ok, so I lost it, I felt such a bitterness that was suppressed for years, just stormed out, I burst into tears. The thing is, I always made a huge effort so I could be confident and strong when I confront my parents. I have never cried in front of them for things like this before. My dad couldn't face me any more, so he went away. My mom was just so angry and sad for me. She was also mad at herself, for that she couldn't do anything to help her only daughter and having to see how unhappy she is.
I don't want to make it sound dramatic, but I hate when people say "I understand" to me, for that they don't even get one percent of what I am going through right now. For two years, I am stuck at this place, 40 square meter, to myself, no friends, no leisure activities, no nothing. My hubby, he grows too comfortable with me and just don't care charming me any more. I don't remember when was the last time he aet at a table as a civilized human being, he trashes down every corner in the tiny apartment, drinks a lot of coke and gained many kilos, he plays computer games whenever he has a chance, even when he was holding the baby....... Sometimes he cares about me, but not really in a flattered way. I don't need you to bring home some free electronics and veggies to show that you care about me. I want a man who can treat me as a woman, a equal being that he adores, not some psycho guy roommate who eat pizzas with dirty fingers and never shower. I am SO sick of everything.
And I am sorry, whoever you are, have to read through this. I don't know what happened to me. I was always this joyful happy girl, you can ask all my friends about this. And now, I am just this woman who is killing every minute in this bitter misery. Everyday I have to fight a mental breakdown. Do you really think I want this? No I don't, and I don't like hearing people calling me crazy, especially from my own husband.
Oh gosh, I have to face this again. Why did I end up with this guy? He trapped me in this tiny world without any humanly connection. Whenever I ask him information about joining a program, going to some places, the answers he gave me always make me want to give up that idea. Is he that scared of me leaving him? Maybe I should! Why should I make my life decisions revolving him when he wants to hold my string. I wanna be a kite without any strings!