I had a mental break-down yesterday. The direct cause was stupid, not worth to mention, but it opened a gate of my recent suppressed depressions. This is something that I am unable to share with my old friends or parents. They will never understand what kind of situation I am in, all they'll see is probably living in Europe, being superior...Being superior? Jokking. It's just how I felt the way my old friends changed ever since I moved to Stockholm. They started to be really polite and distanced. I know it's good custom, but you only treat strangers with such bullshit manners. Some friends started "woowoow" expression whatever I said I was doing. You know, I have moved, but I have never changed. It's exactly like how I hate people treating me differently just because I am pregnant. I am still me, and I want my friends pushing me around, giving me stupid nicknames, mocking me just like before.
Well, what is done is done. Now I have lost them. All I can say is some festival wishes and a constant "how have you been". As for my parents, I don't know, my dad has been very harsh on me and said so many hurtful things that deeply insult me. Whatever I do, I have no plan, no determination, am messing up my life according to him. I don't know what more I can do to prove to him. In university, he once mocked me that if I ever got to the state's final English speech contest, he will buy me a suit worth of his one month's salary. He probably deeply believed that I will never make there. However, the fact is, I have done it twice and was sent to Beijing for the final competition. He never bought me the suit he promised. I didn't care either. Last year we had such a great relationship, I was never that close to my dad, now it seems all altering again.
Besides having no friends or family communication, I was also stumbled by my current condition. To be honest, there was a moment or two, that I felt my life is so empty. Tuotuo protested my idea, he said I am doing a lot of things, studying while carrying a baby...Yeah, but I miss the time when my whole day is booked, not a single minute to rest. I like that sort of fulfillment and excitement. While I was still in university, my record was to have 5 part-time jobs at the same time, and I still did great in study. Now it just happen to be that I have so much time wandering from one room to another, not knowing or motivated to do anything. It is pretty pathetic, isn't it?
However, I have to pull myself out of this mysery now. What I figured after yesterday's incident is that life is actually no different than the stock market chart. It rises high peak and then will surely go down, but when it reaches the lowest spot, it will certainly go up again. Right now is kind of my low spot, I look forward very much to seeing the rise again!